A Stickynote

People can be quite cold sometimes. One minute they're all warm and fuzzy, the next they act like you don't matter. Just like that they could bring you down. The kinda thing that makes you feel like you should only exist when it's convenient. 25, with issues, I know. But nevermind that, I'm always grateful for the jagged path He had planned for me anyways. And for all the people that He had chosen to shape me. The good and the not so good.

My auntie once wrote an entry on her blog, on how she would bestow upon her 15 year old self her own words of wisdom if she'd been given the chance to do so. I, on the other hand would probably just let my younger self be. I guess I learn the best the hard way, so to speak. My younger self wouldn't have appreciated the gift of foresight, for the outcome will always somehow be expected. Unpredicted heartbreaks, sorrows, and all those feelings that make you feel like it's the end of the world. Now they're your recipe for strength.

Given an option, hardly anyone would take the road less travelled. This is our nature, we'll fear the things we haven't fathomed. For all you readers out there, I say jump. You'll fall, and you'll hit the ground hard, and you'll feel like hell. But guess what, the next time it won't hurt so bad. Worse things are bound to happen, it's only wise to coarsen up. Thank God I did.

I am not going to give a word of advise to my past self. With the gift of hindsight, I am going to remind my present self instead.

Always remember, to keep your chin up, whenever things don't turn out the way you had hoped. You will one day triumph if you stay strong.

Always remember, to have courage to make mistakes and move forward. Fortune will always favour the brave.

Always remember, to be true to yourself no matter what the world might do to you. The world will shift, but you will only be stagnant if you move along with it.

And most importantly, always remember to trust in Him. It's no fairytale, but He definitely has a plan for you.

September 19th, 2009

Hey, it's me. I'm writing this to you so that you know what has been on my mind. You were asking me why I was quiet just now. Maybe I'm no good with verbally saying things, but I'm going to try to say it here.

The first time I saw you, the night we all had dinner, I honestly thought that I would never be good enough for someone like you. You were close to perfect. Decent, clever, mild mannered, and all things nice. And I'm flawed with God knows what. I did not plan to continue messaging you cause' I thought it just wouldn't work. But somehow we managed to continue getting to know each other. I loved all the little conversations we had. I found you very adorable and funny. Weird too, but in a good way. You're different,something about you triggered my attention.

I saw hope in you. Hope for me to be someone better, cause' you inspire me to do good. This doesn't mean that I'm not good in essence, like you said. But like I've said before, I'm trying to be a better person, and you made the mountain seem like a molehill. I adore what you do, I adore the strentgh you have in you, and I adore you. I know most of the time you think I'm just sweet talking, but that's all for you to decide. I know I mean every single word.

I know we've only gotten to know each other quite recently. I don't know any other way to say this without sounding like any other bastard who's said this to you before, but I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. And eventhough I know for a fact that you couldn't even be bothered if I'm not around tomorrow, I sincerely care about you. I'm not going to sugarcoat things cause' I know I don't have a lot to offer. Sometimes I just wish you'd have a little faith in me. It really stings when you yourself start to believe that you're not good enough for someone that matters to you.

I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with the showing of affection just now. I was just drawn to you. And I don't know when I could see you or be that way with you again. I've been thinking, it's not right for me to put you in a position where you're forced to do something.The truth is I don't even know what I mean to you. And sometimes I don't feel you even care. It's true that everything I've done for you was sincere, so please don't ever feel obliged or sorry for me.

It's been a very long time since I've cared for anyone the way I do for you. I like being with you cause' it makes me feel complete, purposeful, meaningful if you may. For a change I'd like to matter to someone too. But it shouldn't be that way unless you really mean it. I told you I don't want your pity. If you like me, I want it to be sincere. If you want me around, I want you to sincerely tell me that you want me. All I'm asking is for you to have a little bit of faith in me, bet on me as I've bet on you. I know that means you could get hurt, but just so you know, you're worth getting hurt a thousand times to me.

I'm not sure if I should disturb you for the timebeing. Who knows you might want some distance. I know you've got plenty of guys disturbing you already, all expecting your attention. And I know you'd feel smothered. So if you ever need me you know where to find me alright? Please know that I appreciate every moment that I've spent with you, and they do mean a lot.

Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin. Smile always... =)

The Unposted Letter IV

Dear I,

Hye, from the other side of the world. I hope things are well with you, with your studies and all. I'm proud that you're making the best out of your life. I know our paths were meant to diverge came that time. No matter what may have happened in the past, know that I'm happy seeing you happy over there. You deserve it all.

I was going through my friendster account, wanted to see all the ancient messages in the inbox that I haven't deleted. And among them I came across the conversations we had when you went to Indonesia to visit your family. Suddenly I found my mind jogging five years back when it all started. You and I would never have come across each other's path if it were not for our special "padang". For that, I'll always have a soft spot for that place. Do you remember how I used to teach you how to kick a ball? Left leg parallel, kicking leg 90 degrees to the ball? LOL. Those were the times. It was us, and the neighbourhood kids, though many of them are no longer around.

You might not have known this, but I've always thought highly of you. There may be times when I lacked the emotions to show it all, but I was always proud to be with you. Despite your young age, you were one of the most mature and intelligent person I've ever met. But most importantly, you sincerely cared, for me and my family. I'm sure you know how much my mum loved you, and how she had always thought of you as her own. You were as fantastic as anyone can get when it came to my siblings. I'm sure of that cause' they adored you. I hope you know that I was as fond of Louay, Cza-cza and Shah. They were the most adorable.

A year and a half have brought a plenty of wonderful memories. We went through cycles of ups and downs together. The lepaking at mamak to watch football, the "tuition from hell" at your place (haha!), the birthday you planned, the valentine's we spent together. They were among the best times of my life. I know I've done a lot of mistakes throughout, deep inside I have always regretted for not being your best. A lot of times I acted like a child, I refused to understand the situations you were in. But you were as patient as can be, and I thank you for that. I wish I could have at least been more understanding towards your needs, and I wish I could've been around when you needed me too.

I hope you can forgive me for my imperfections, for being the intolerant one most of the time. You needed somebody to guide you in times of distress, but I didn't always give the best of guidance. I know I should've let you go and be happy for you when you decided to leave, but my pride held me back. I'm sorry for all the the times I didn't treat you like a princess, you deserved a million times better. I pray that you're always well and successful wherever your feet may take you in the future. We may come from families with different values and backgrounds, but I hope you stay rooted, and always make the best out of everything regardless of the outcome. Signing off from the other side of the world, take care of yourself.

Love,

Irfan

First Finals

First finals for master's are just around the corner. By now I should feel like a veteran when it comes to exams. But I guess it's just one of those things that you'll never feel like you're prepared enough for. I think I might have to stretch the envelope further, and try to go beyond mediocrity. Maybe master's is my ticket to redemption, after falling from grace. Lol.

Thank God all the projects and presentations are over with, a little less burden off of my chest. I hope I'll do well this time. To prove my self-worth, most importantly, to myself. Quite a lot to study, in quite little time. Applied Heat Transfer, Applied Mechanics, Applied Thermodynamics, Computational Mathematics... Even the subject names sound like tongue-twisters don't they? Haha...

It's funny that I only think about updating this god-forsaken blog at times like this. Probably it's a form of therapy to me, to write and take some time off of my work. I can only digest so many correlations and numbers at a time, so cut me some slack. Haha. Anyways, to not further sound like a girl and update on every little thing, I'll be going off now...

I'll try to update the blog when I'm a little less busier.

Should I?

Should I have pretended to be perfect,

the way your eyes had preferred to see?

Should I have told you lies,

and let deceit lead you to me?

Should I have hidden my flaws and weaknesses,

and convince you that I'm an angel sent from above?

Should I have faked better attributes,

so maybe you would think I'm good enough?

Should I have showered you with expensive gifts,

so that I could win your utmost attention?

Should I have promised you a thousand promises,

to wipe away your apprehension?

Should I have offered you less of my concern,

so you wouldn't have doubted my sincerity?

Or should I have not considered all this in the first place,

because it would mean I would have not been me?

The Unposted Letters: Letter III

Dear E,

"Sugar", that was what I used to call you. And I was your "babes". How things have changed since then. I remember the first time I saw you. That day of registration in college. I was so mesmerized that I had to tell my friend D about you straight away. But I have to be honest, I really thought you were malay. Lol! Getting myself introduced to you was a nightmare. We were all exchanging phone numbers, but when it came to you it became awkward. I, became awkward. Lol! Do you remember the first time I texted you, but then I said it was mistakenly sent? I lied...

I was fortunate enough to be given the chance to get to know you, even when I had to go off from that place. When that two weeks ended, I had to face reality and return to earth. But I thanked God that you were still there, still around. Six months I was practically on your tail, head over heels for you, and I never regretted any moment of it. Really, I never felt that way with anyone before. And because of that I acted like a goofball, I did everything against the book. But still you treated me nice, like I really mattered. We were from two different worlds, but I guess love held us together. Friendship grew into something more wonderful, and whatever we ever shared was beautiful. I treasured everything, from coming to Titiwangsa and BSC to just see you, to the valentine's day card u made, which I still have with me.

I guess it was written that one day I was going to be the jerk who left you. The jerk who broke your heart. All along I've told myself that the reason I did that, was because I was devastated, when you told me that you were going to study abroad. And because you made it clear that there was no future for us, seeing that there was this huge barrier, concerning your parents and all. But I was wrong to have hurt you like that. Those were just stupid reasons made by a fool. I wish I could turn back time, to right my every wrong. I know we were not meant to last, but I still wish I did not hurt you the way I did.

A lot of things have changed since then. I'm happy that we've become good friends, and that you've forgotten the past. I could never ask for anything more. You were always the bigger person, I know I don't deserve the friendship that you've offered me after all the terrible things that I've done. I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, I'll be around. I could only wish to be half as great of a friend that you've been to me all this while. And I want you to know, that I'm always very sorry for all my wrongs towards you, for the times I acted like an idiot, and for the times I wasn't the guy you deserved. I hope you have a great future ahead of you, and I hope God will bless that beautiful soul of yours always.

Love,
Irfan

The Unposted Letters: Letter II

Dear S,

I'm aware that you're becoming a lecturer, and I find it very inspiring that you're dedicating your life to such a noble duty. I hope everything's well, with your family and Mr. N. Maybe I wasn't so enthusiastic about the idea of him at first, but I guess nobody's perfect. The important thing is that you know he loves you, and that he will treat you no lesser than you what you deserve.

I was reminded of how our story started. Back in the place called the "Illuminated Bridge". Never had it occured in my mind that I would fall for you. Well, maybe it did, sort of. I just knew that I wanted to be around you, cause' it made me feel alive, and full of purpose everytime I was around you. And then we started to hang out more often, and one thing led to another.

I'm always thankful to have shared that part of my life with you. I think we've thought each other a lot. I know I wasn't the best of companion, and I know I did a lot of mistakes. We were two very different people, but somehow we connected really well. My only regret was that I sometimes tried to change the person that you were, when in fact I was the one who was flawed. In the end I saw what I was doing, and I decided that it shouldn't be that way. So I left, selfishly, without an explanation.

Somehow we managed to reconnect some few odd years back, and once again that bond magically reestablished. Though this time we became the closest of friends. I had such a blast when it lasted, cause' it felt like I could tell you anything. And we knew each other so well. Maybe it was fated that it had to end as well, someway or the other. I know we both didn't plan that, but under the circumstances, I understand that you made the best choice.

I would write you a thousand letters of apologies for my immature behaviour, when we were more than friends, and also when we were the closest of. Yet I think it would still not suffice. But I am truly sorry, for every time I broke your heart, for every time I said something to hurt you, for every time I didn't pay attention to what you felt, and for every time I made you feel like you were not perfect. I know now that I was wrong.

Whatever you do, and wherever your life will take you, I hope you're always well taken care of. And I wish you the most blissful of life ahead.

Love,
Irfan

The Unposted Letters: Letter I

Dear H,

I had meant to write this for ages. But I've never managed to find the courage to. I had come across a letter that you once wrote to me, and it saddens me to think how it must've hurt you. When I selfishly mistreated you, and when I wasn't always there when you needed me. I know things have changed now, and I know we're all good with each other. Despite the fact that everyone from back then has been on different paths. But it still doesn't mean that I'm not sorry for not being perfect, the way you had deserved.

Do you remember, way back then when were were in high school? I never thought I'd end up with someone like you. The perfect opposite. Plus, it was all so sudden that we became close. I had competitions back then, so I naturally would've shied away, if you weren't so brave as to make it happen. What I felt with you was something all so new, and I had never experienced it with anyone before. You taught me a lot about about love, despite what everyone else thinks. I know now that you really cared. We were always fighting about every tiny bit of thing, but I realized that maybe in your own way you were trying to show that it mattered to you, that you cared.

We weren't together for long, but I treasured the moments I've had with you. I know I was the one who bailed out. Not because of the fights, but maybe I grew scared that things were becoming too serious too early. I was only a boy, not half as matured as you were. Forgive me, for the times I haven't been there to catch you when you fell. And for not being sensitive to your needs. I hope this letter finds you well, and I wish you the best for the time ahead of you.

Love,
Irfan

Kota Kinabalu Trip

I've at least had the opportunity to spoil myself with a vacation to Kota Kinabalu about two weeks back. Finally managed to drag one of my closest friends, Mr. Zayd, the ever so busy chambering student along. The trip was originally meant to include Cik Dian, but slight difficulty with her parents resulted in just the two of us. Just the two of us, building castles in the sky... God, how queer does that sound. Haha. So yea, plane tickets, skybus tickets, hotel room... all booked prior to the trip, and we were off to paint KK red... So I thought.

So here's my trip report:

Day 1

I arrived at the Jelatek Putra LRT station at 7 a.m., carrying a heavy orange luggage bag that my mum loaned me, and a light backpack that has served me all throughout Form 6. There weren't that many people around, so I was temporarily happy, until the next train came. Macam ikan sardin! I was supposed to meet Zayd on the platform, but he was a bit late. So I jumped onto the train, might as well I thought.

I met Zayd at KL Sentral and we took the next skybus to LCCT. An hour of an unforgiving bumpy ride, with loud squeeking noises coming from the failing absorbers later, we arrived at the LCCT. Zayd had this perplexed look on his face when I was boarding off the bus. Moments later I had the same look on mine. Dude, where's our bags!!! From where we were standing the luggage compartment looked empty, all the passengers had collected their bags. We stood like idiots for a couple of minutes, only to realize that there was an elevated compartment hidden from our view. Haha, bagus la tu! Belum apa-apa dah kelam-kabut... We laughed our asses off, what a fantastic start.

So we went for breakfast, then collected our boarding passes and waited for the plane. An hour of boredom passed, and we were finally beginning our journey across the South China Sea towards Borneo. Mind you, that was the first flying experience I've had in many years, so I came up with all the random crap to entertain myself. Playing with the reclinable seat, playing with the foldable table, you name it... I forgot how boring it was. No hot stewardess, maybe that's why... Haha.

The plane touched down and we were in KK! It was like I was in a different country. Most of the people looked chinese, and the way they spoke, different. In a charming manner. We had lunch in the airport itself, then took a cab straight to the Promenade hotel, which was right smack in the city centre. We got into our room and rested for a bit. Before we knew it, we were exploring KK inside out. Api-Api Centre, Plaza Warisan, Centre Point, all done in one evening. Had a sumptuous dinner at a Thai joint called TamNak Thai in Api-Api Centre, as recommended by Zayd's local friend. Then we went back to the room to get some sleep. Early day the next day.

Day 2

Woke up at 6.30 a.m., the sun was already up. Took our baths, packed some clothes in my backpack and went to the mamak to have our breakfasts. Yea, they have that over there too. Haha. Then we were off to Jesselton Point, the jetty where we took our boat ride to Manukan Island. Cost us about RM17 per person to and fro. The journey to Manukan took us roughly 20 minutes.

We were pretty excited looking at the crystal clear blue water when we arrived, swimming fishes visible underneath the surface. So the first thing we did was to park ourselves at the beach, and put on some sunblock. It would've burned us if we didn't, the sun already high up. Then we geared up the snorkeling equipments and straight away swam aimlessly. Me at one end, and Zayd at the other, following schools of funny looking fishes that eventually became too friendly and bit us... Haha.

At noon we were pretty much tired already. So we decided to take a break and help ourselves with some mouthwatering lunch. Two freakin' huge burgers and two black coffees from the beach restaurant. Enough said. Dua-dua terlentang! Ooooh, and the waitresses were cun! Even more a reason to laze around longer over there. Haha. They all had this chinese, plus native, plus malay look. I was like wowwie!

After lunch we decided to explore the other side of the beach. I thought it was even more beautiful than earlier. So I figured might as well snorkel some more, what else was there to do anyhow. The fishes were different there, somewhat more colourful. I even saw sea cucumbers on the floor. But they didn't stop biting one bit, so I quit after a while. They freak me out now. Haha. Later in the evening we chilled at yet another side of the island. That side they had huge rocks near the bank. So we dried our wet clothes on the hot rocks and took some funny pictures there. Before we knew it, it was already 4 p.m., and we were leaving Manukan with heavy hearts.

Back in the city, we strolled along the coast and through more malls. Thought that we could reach the hotel on foot, but soon gave up as we were too tired. So we took a cab from halfway. We went to the same place to have dinner after cleaning up a bit. After dinner it was massage session at a place somewhere nearby, and we went back for some good night's sleep right after.

Day 3

Woke up a bit later than the day before, at about 7 a.m.. We were supposed to get up earlier, cause' that day we were going to leave for Kinabalu Park in a tour van that was scheduled at 7.30 a.m.. But we managed to get ready in time, thankfully. So yea, the tour guide, Mohamad came right on time and we were off heading towards the direction of Mount Kinabalu.

The winding road lasted for more than an hour, but somehow I felt fine. Maybe because the view was magnificent. The summit of Mount Kinabalu was hiding behind the veil of white clouds, it was gorgeous. We stopped at the Nabalu Market for breakfast, and bought some souvenirs for families and friends at the market, which was designed to be a long house. After that the journey continued.

We passed the entrance of the Kinabalu Park, but Mohamad suggested that we head for the Poring Hot Springs first, since it would soon be crowded. So that was another forty minutes of winding road to cover. We finally arrived, and the first thing we did was to go for the Canopy Walk. Had to climb up hill for about twenty minutes to get to the starting point, which proved to be quite an exhausting task for unfit people like us. Haha. The experience of crossing the five canopy bridges was quite daunting, but it was a good one nontheless.

After Canopy Walk we headed towards one of the small waterfalls, which was another ten minutes walk from the base of the hill. We chilled at the waterfall for about thirty minutes, we didn't have much time to spare. But I managed to enjoy soaking myself with the cold water streaming down from the fall. Relaxing in the midst of the natural calming sound of water flowing. We had a look at the hot springs on our way back to the entrance, but that was it. Didn't feel like bathing in 'em. Then it was time for lunch right across the street.

Forty minutes heading towards the direction we came from, and we were back at the entrance of Kinabalu Park. The park is one of the two bases where climbers begin their difficult journey to the top of Mount Kinabalu. Even at the base it was already super cool, imagine up there. So we drove around the park, stopped at the visitors' centre and another spot to snap some pictures. We enjoyed the breath of fresh air for a change. At 4 p.m. we began our journey back to town.

That was pretty much Day 3. Didn't fancy doing much nonsense in the evening, so we settled for McDonald's and headed straight back to the room to chill. Watched some B rated movies they were showing and went to sleep.

Day 4

This time we didn't have anything in our plans, so we woke up late. That meant 8.30 a.m.. After bath we went to have roti canai at the mamak, yet again. Then we strolled along the Api-api centre towards Plaza Warisan, finally ending up the famous Filipino Market. We made a zig-zag along the maze of gazillion stalls selling souvenirs and such, mostly pearls and handicrafts. Bought some stuffs for my mum and Cik Dian, Zayd bought a batik shirt for his dad. Then we headed back to the hotel room to pack up our stuffs, it was time to check out.

Left our bags at the concierge and went for a brief lunch and coffee at Plaza Warisan. Then straight to the airport after collecting our bags. At the airport we met a tour group from Perak. They were old schoolmates celebrating their school's anniversary, a bunch of fifty and sixty year olds. So I was told that they climbed up the Mount Kinabalu for their trip. Not everybody made it to the top, which was not a surprise. But one 68 year old did! Holy motha! Tercabar aku! Not just that, a daughter of one of the participants, an 8 year old, managed to reach the peak 2nd among the climbers! That's it, I'm definitely coming back to climb that damned mountain, I said to Zayd... Haha.

We arrived at LCCT at around 7 p.m.. Took the skybus to KL Sentral and arrived there at 8 p.m., this time we knew where to look for our bags! Haha. So Cik Dian picked us up there, with her electric blue Encik Cooper S, balik dengan penuh bergaya! Had dinner after that somewhere in Ampang. We gave her the purse we bought at the Filipino Market, and the vacation was officially over...

In Need of Inspiration

Forgive me, for I have left you unattended. I have not been too busy to write, nor have I been too lazy to do it. The truth is I have lacked the inspiration, since nothing significant has happened so far. Everything repeats itself every week, the mundane even much staler. I've had good times nontheless, but nothing really different to tell. Except for the short vacation I had in Kota Kinabalu recently.

I've spent almost three months dedicating myself to running errands for people, and I barely had time to do the things I had planned to, for me. So much for graduation break. I know I won't have anymore after this, but I guess for some people, we don't have all the luxury in the world. Briefing for Master's Degree is scheluded to be this Friday, and classes start on the 6th of July. Who knows, maybe I'd have something to inspire, to entice me then...

A Day In Paradise

I am sitting by the beach, with my back leaning against a stout coconut tree. My feet half buried in the sand, fine white sand. The sun is on its way up, but the looming leaves of the coconut tree shield me from its rays, casting clumsy shadows all over the area. I sip on the sweet, chilled juice from the coconut fruit on my cupped palms, and a soothing sensation runs down my throat. The cool gentle wind sweeps over my face, and I could hear the sound of little waves subsiding near the shore. The vast ocean that dominates half the view in front of me is blue and crystal clear, with a tinge of light green smudges nearer to the shore. From the bird's eye view, corals can be seen like tiny spots scattered around on the seabed where it's not too deep. And the sky, the sky seems so serene. Decorated with odd shapes of puffy clouds here and there. One like a ship, one like a fish, and the others, simply a poetry made physical. I close my eyes, and savour every little bit of sensation brought forth by the incomprehensible calmness of this utopia. I thought to myself, in a place like this, time, is nothing but a myth.

I hear the sound of little kids frolicking and giggling not too far off. I open my eyes and I see my little sisters and my cousins playing by the shallow greenish blue water. Splash, and splash. Each of them wearing a happy smile on his and her face. They prance in a small circle, some singing, and some humming to the kindergarten songs that I had forgotten the words to. By the shore, my mischievous looking little brother is building sand castles, where the sand is brownish from the seawater that has managed to seep through. He too, is wearing a happy smile on his face, amused with his out-of-the-world structures. My other cousins, the grownups, are indulging in their own activities of preference. Some playing musical instruments, some playing frisbees, some playing volleyball, and some flying kites with the shapes of a cat and a butterfly. From the corner of my eye, I see a white yacht and a boat erecting from the slightly wavy blue ocean. On board the boat, my aunties cheerfully chatting with each other, sipping tea out of expensive looking chinas. On board the white yacht, my uncles tacking and jibing away like seasoned sailors. It all seems like a perfect painting put in motion.

I'm lying afloat on the surface of the crystal clear water, staring up ahead at the awkwardly beautiful sky. A couple of birds wheel in my view, and friendly looking sea creatures swim freely below me. A tropical music starts to play in my head, following the deafening silence you experience when you're underwater. And I smile. Then I see a small party of people gathered in a clearing, near the shore. Happy bunch of people, chit-chatting, feasting, playing board games, and singing merrily. Happy laughter pikes in between the mix of happy sounds. From afar I can make up the figure of my mum, of my dad, of my grandfather, and of even my grandma. And I smile. I take a dive and swim underneath the surface, nearer to the bed where the water is cooler, towards the shore. A school of yellow fishes, and a couple of leatherback turtles accompany me on my trip. Beautiful corals and weeds and shells on the bed pass across my view like the way a film strip used to be played before a silver screen.

I emerge on the surface of the water, cool salty seawater trickling down my body. A beautiful girl is sitting by the shore on the other side. With sassy brunette hair, adorable looking nose that curls upwards, rosy cheeks, and eyes that reflect a sense of kindness. All alone, carving something on the brown sand. She sees me, and gives a smile like she's been waiting for me all this while. A smile that weakens all my limbs. And I tremble under the coldness of the seawater that encapsulates my skin, and my heart pounds. I try to return her smile, but only so awkwardly, as I walk slowly towards her. I say hello, and she returns it with another smile. I ask her about silly little things that don't even make sense at first, just to strike a conversation, but she happily entertains my every antic nonetheless. And before I know it, we are talking and laughing and joking as if we've known each other for a long time. We sit by the beach, damp sand underneath our feet. I gaze at her beauty as I listen to her every word. Her uncharted beauty. Time didn't seem to exist earlier, but now it appears to move at a pace beyond my control. Like I wish I could stop the sun from descending so soon, and the day from ending.

It's now dusk, the tangerine sun sliced by the horizon. We stroll down the beach, towards the small party of people that I saw earlier, who are still as they were. All merry and cheerful. Our path is guided by torches aligned in a single file. When we are about to reach there, I look at her, and I tell her how beautiful she looks. She gives me a coy smile. Dad, Mum, grandma, my grandfather, my closest of friends, they are all there to greet us with the utmost joy painted on their faces. Everybody looks immensely happy, not a single worry visible through their expressions. As if years worth of burden has been lifted off their shoulders. And for that matter, everybody looks ten years younger, and twenty years healthier. So we sit together, scattered, but in a way still connected. We all chat with each other, and laugh at each others' jokes, and make fun of each other, all while feasting on delicious food. Food fit for kings. And when it's all over, the feast and the party, she and I lie side to side on the beach. We gaze at the glimmering stars in the clear sky, and our hands intertwine. And I smile.

I descend back to the real world. The whole image of my paradise, my eden, vanishes before my eyes. And I long for the calmness of that magical place. The merry people I have met. The perfect blue water, and the perfect blue sky. And I long for her. The goddess of beauty. With that dazzling smile.

Change

A period of change, is always the toughest. Especially when the change is vast, and abrupt. I don't expect things to stay the same, nor do I expect them to shift from one form to another in such profound a manner. Change is hard to accept, as we grow accustomed to certain set of things. Things that have become our norms, our mundane. But nothing ever lasts, so my will will have to suffice, to learn and adapt to changes, to make the best out of scarce resources, before another wave of change sweeps over again.

I must learn. I must learn now. To embrace changes, for they teach us to appreciate the non-lasting. To embrace changes, for they groom us into wiser and stronger individuals. And to embrace changes, for one day they will reveal what is eternal.

One Random Sunday

"Irfan! Let's go Zorbing!!!". When Dian (one of my closest friends these days) randomly blurts out things like that, she's nothing close to kidding. So there I was, wondering what the hell this zorbing business was all about. And then I found out. I was like "Holy crap! You're not kidding are you?". But then it occurred to me, why not do something ridiculous once in a while. Probably do me some good (de-uncle-izing myself!). So it was then set for Sunday morning... Booked online.

Sunday (D-day):

We sped towards Taman Tasik Titiwangsa in her electric blue Encik Cooper S (as I call it...), arriving at 10 a.m. for the first ride. When we first saw the Zorb ball (or orb), we were like, "Oh crap! What the hell did we get ourselves into!". With all the people watching. Makciks who were jogging. Abang-abang Rempit on their bikes. God I felt ridiculous. It was explained that there were two types of rides. One dry, and the other one wet. And thanks to my goooooood friend Ms. Dian, we went for the wet one. So harnesses we strapped on, and we squeezed ourselves into the ball that was parked on a slope. There I thought "wet" meant we get to go over the lake or something. But no, they poured water into the ball! "What the...". I was temporarily happy seeing that there wasn't much water poured in to begin with, but discovered soon enough that it was actually too much to handle!!! As we were rolling down the slope, tumbling like clothes in a washing machine, water got into our noses and we couldn't even open our eyes! Then when the ball finally came to a halt, I burst out laughing... Wahahahahaha.... It was so funny. Thinking of how ridiculous we must've looked from outside, for our audiences. We were both drenched then.

"Ok, let's go for breakfast...", I suggested. Figuring we could at least dry our clothes while taking a walk. So we lepak at the cafeteria somewhere in front of the lake. While eating breakfast I saw people on those small boats, the ones where you have to cycle them, peacefully circulating the fountain in the middle of the lake. And since it has already started as a random day, I said to Dian, "Wei! Jom naik tu, jom!". Knowing her, it was a "yes" straight away. So there we were, stomachs all full from breakfast, cycling frantically to make our way to this direction and that. But it was great, the scenery and all, reminded me of my childhood. Hehe. With great effort we managed to find ourselves back at the bay. The freakin' boat seemed to have a mind of its own, direction wise...

"Hey, what say you we go have the foot reflexology massage today?", a brilliant idea that I suggested on our way back to the car. You guessed it, we drove to Bintang Walk and parked Encik Cooper S at Star Hill. We strolled down the road, until just a tad further than BB Plaza, still half soaked from the "wet" ride. It was funny when we passed several of those reflexology massage centres, Dian seemed to have this idea in mind that we were going for those dodgy ones. Hahaha. We finally decided on a place, the one that didn't look so dodgy instead =P. Maka kami pun dilayanlah oleh tukang urut... I know, I know. Such a girly thing to do. But guess what, it was good as hell! Painful, but in a good way. Haha. So 30 minutes of that, and 10 minutes for a shoulder massage... After that it was lunch at Pavilion. And that sums up my last Sunday. Tadaaaa!

I Wonder...

Only in the state of solitary have I begun to wonder, of how solemn life has turned out to be. Every step that I take, every move that I commit, would all bring about consequences. And I'm growing scared by the second. Things aren't as clear as they used to be, no, not like before. Maybe once they had all seem so clear, the time when I was able to distinguish the horizon so certainly. It might have been a delusion encouraged by a young mind, but at least it was filled with passion. Now that I've grown older, and now that everything seems to be at stake, that flame of enthusiasm has grown much, much dimmer.

It seems like everyone's counting on me, to always do the right thing. I'm suffocating in between these constraints, rarely being able to make mistakes of my own. I take pride in doing good, but at the same time a part of me has always wondered, the possibility of learning something more valuable with each wrong that I've skipped. Sometimes people praise me for what I'm not, and out of fear I tend to lead them to that idea of the ideal Irfan that they've preordained. Have I made a mistake? Have I missed out on a lot? Did my sacrifices bring some good, to others at least? I wonder...

Goodbye Uniten!

'The Mechanical Properties of Hybrid (Fibre-reinforced) Composites Used In Automobile Body Shell', the title of the thesis that I am about to hand out tomorrow morning. This would be my last work as a Bachelor's Degree student of Uniten. Aaah, the day that I have dreamed about since the series of gruesome final papers started last month. Now that all the work is over and done with, I suddenly feel a bit sentimental about leaving the place. Lolz! It's time I guess, I'm going to be setting out on a new adventure soon. Sure hope it'll be an interesting one as well.

Come July I'll be able to call myself a Master's Degree student of Universiti Malaya. How intimidating does that sound yea? It's going to be either in mechanical engineering, or materials engineering, both have been accepted. Which one do you reckon? Maybe I should put up a poll and let you guys influence this feeble and indecisive mind. Haha. Whatever it is, I guess I'll have to work my butt off to do well. How else would I make it in this tough world we live in.

But for now, and the three months ahead, maybe it's time for me to gather some inspirations. I'm on a quest to engage myself in some fun and beneficial activities. To fill my time with something useful, character building sort of thing. Lolz! I'm open for suggestions, so if you guys want to drag me to some random Chinese language classes, or even Tai Chi or what or not... Let it be now! =)

The Commoner's Short Story II: I'm Sorry, Lisa...

The silence in the cold, dark room was broken when my cell phone rang. Once, twice, then it ceased. The gleaming light from its screen had given me a sense of its whereabouts. "God, who could be calling me at 1.30 in the morning?", I grumbled. I checked on my cell phone out of curiosity. It read, "You have one missed call from Lisa". Annoyed by the disturbance, I shut the phone off, just to be sure, should anyone else dare to bother me again for the remainder of the night. I was already exhausted from the long day at work. The piling workload on my desk had kept me locked in my office up till about a couple of hours ago. I longed for my sleep, and so I decided to ignore the call. "I'll just call her back tomorrow or something", I half-heartedly pledged to myself. I chucked the cell phone inside the drawer of my desk and went back to bed.

The room was once again cold and dark. Accompanied by the quietness that surrounded me, and the starless sky visible through my window, the night seemed quite stagnant. The sole indication of time progression came from the clock itself, the ticking sound it made as the second hand stroked perpetually each second. I was lying on my bed, gazing upon the artificial stars that decorated my ceiling, agitated with my failed attempt to doze off. The phone call had kept me wide awake for what felt like an hour then. A tiny part of me grew curious about the possible reasons for the phone call. But knowing how random Lisa could be, she probably just called to rant on some insignificant stories about her friend's friends. She'd done that before, and it didn't surprise me one bit. Over the years of being best of friends, Lisa and I had grown to understand each other fairly deeply. So then I figured, she wouldn't mind if I call her the next day.

The next day I woke up late. It took me only a fraction of the time I usually do to get ready. I revved my classic red Miata all the way to the office, zipping in and out between lanes throughout the highway. I arrived half an hour later than usual, and I cursed the jammed alarm of my table clock for it. Little did I realize that it was actually a Saturday. And the people who'd normally show up for work on Saturdays wouldn't be around until an hour later. I only came to notice the fact when I saw the emptiness of the office. Feeling all stupid, I walked across the hall filled with unoccupied cubicles, and straight into my little office room at the far end. I rested myself on my oxford grey declinable chair, and contemplated on my plans for the day. The digital clock on the blue screen of my Dell laptop had told me that it was in fact, still early. "Maybe I should check on Lisa", I suddenly felt guilty for not calling her back last night. I tried calling her twice, but nobody answered on the the other end of the phone. " Maybe she's still sleeping", I thought at the time. I then went downstairs to the cafeteria to grab some breakfast.

It was already 6.30 in the evening, and I wasn't even half done with my clients' files that were beginning to cram my confined office space. "Great! I've dedicated half my weekend for what I unwillingly suffer every other day of the week", I said to the person who was staring back at me from the washing room mirror. Figured I needed to freshen up before I resume the marathon, nothing wakes my senses like ice cold water on my face. As I was striding back towards my room, my cell phone started to emit that annoying sound again. The caller ID showed an unfamiliar number. I picked up the call, and it was Lara, Lisa's mum. She was crying, heavily. The line wasn't clear. It was breaking up now and then, so I could hardly hear what she was saying. Her sobbing didn't help with the situation either. I could only make up a few words of what she was saying at the time. "Lisa"."My baby...". "Joe". I asked her to calm down, in a half shouting tone, as she could hardly hear what I was saying as well. Then I asked her where Lisa was. She told me, while still uttering that cry of despair.

My exhaust pipes were roaring as I stepped on the gas. Nineteen minutes was the only duration it took for me to get from my office to the hospital at the other side of the town. The old "SHMC" plaque that greeted me at the entrance of the building didn't seem quite as inviting at the time. I had a funny feeling in my stomach as I walked across the white hallway to get to the reception centre. The lady who was in charge had enlightened me on the whereabouts of Lisa, so I headed there immediately. As I arrived in front of the green door with the number "312" etched upon it, I paused for a while. I needed to get myself ready for whatever possible situation I was going to face once I walked into the room. I opened the door and saw Lisa on the bed, lying unconsciously, with bruises on her arms, and cuts on her lips and at the side of her forehead. Lara was still weeping hopelessly by her daughter's side. I stood motionless for a minute, seeing Lisa like that, it was all too much to absorb. Then I moved towards Lara and sat down beside her. I tried to calm her down. Slowly, she told me what had happened the night before.

Lisa's estranged step father, Joe, had come to their house drunk the night earlier. Joe had a bit of a problem with temper, even more amplified with his occasional problem with drinking. One of the reasons Lara and him had been living separately since a year back. That night he showed up on their doorsteps, and started kicking the door and rambling some gibberish while he was at it. Lara was still awake, so was Lisa. They were having a chat in the living room when it occurred. Lisa must've gotten a bit frightened, so she tried to call me. While she was waiting for my answer, Joe had managed to kick the door open. He had a big quarrel with Lara, so loud was all the shouting that some of the neighbours were awaken by it. He tried to drag Lara with him, to somewhere he wanted her to follow. But Lisa came in between them. Joe didn't hesitate, he grabbed Lisa by her hair violently and hit her on her face a few times. When she collapsed onto the floor he kicked her head and her stomach, relentlessly, while Lara was trying to pull him away from her daughter. Joe then realized Lisa was already unconscious from all the beatings that he heartlessly gave. He fled from the scene.

I grew very furious by the time Lara had come to the end of the story. And at the same time I was angry with myself, for refusing to be there for Lisa the night before. In a way, I felt that it was partly my fault that things had turned out this way. "Lara, just stay here with her alright? I'm going to sort out some things...", I told Lara. I budged from my seat and stormed out of the room. The next thing I know I was shifting away in my Miata towards Joe's place. Lisa had told me once where he lived. It was about quarter pass eight when I reached the brownish flat of his. I straight away climbed up the stairs to the fifth floor, since I had no intention of resorting to the sluggish elevator. The door that I kicked swung open, and Joe appeared shocked due to the sudden intrusion. I made him eat his own profanity when I threw the first jab on his face. He tried to put up a fight, but somehow in that demonic state I had outpowered him. The third blow to his temple had sent him down to the floor, leaving messy stains of red fluid all over. Even my clenched fist was smeared with the same fluid. I finally came to my senses when he begged me to stop, already cornered between the walls of his kitchen. "Don't you dare come near Lisa and her mother again! Or I swear this won't be the end of it...", I yelled at him. Then I turned away to leave.

I was awaken by the glaring rays of sunlight that had managed to penetrate through the window blinders. Lisa was lying on the hospital's bluish bed right beside me, still snugged under the blanket. I saw her open her eyes slowly. She was finally regaining her consciousness, so I thought. Moments later tears suddenly began to run down her cheeks. I sensed that she must've been in a lot of pain, all the trauma that she had to suffer. So I put my hand on hers, and I stroked her wavy hair gently. An honest gesture to show her how sorry I was for not being there when she needed me the most. She kept quiet, not a word uttered. "Maybe she just needs some time alone", I tried to convince myself. I realized that I was not in a position to bargain for her reply. "Everything's going to be fine", I promised her just before I left the room. But she ignored me altogether. I headed down, figured a walk would be good to regain my composure, after everything that had happened the night before. I was walking pass a newspaper stand down the road, when one of the newspaper's headlines caught my eye...

BEST FRIEND MURDERED BY ESTRANGED STEPFATHER

Monday, June 16th - A young girl's best friend was murdered when he tried to confront the stepfather for deliberately causing harm to her. The best friend, 25, was believed to have started the fight when he showed up on the suspect's apartment on Saturday evening, the 14th....... Evidence states that the victim was stabbed to death from behind with a kitchen knife...... Police are currently investigating on the whereabouts of the suspect.

The Commoner's Short Story: A Goodbye with a Smile

It was a Saturday morning, and I was up early. I could hear the birds singing melodiously through my half opened window. The tangerine sun was just making an appearance in between those green hills, not too far away from my place. And the sky seemed unusually clear, a sign that it was going to be a sunny day ahead. As I was wiping the sleep from my eyes, still nailed to the bed, I heard a faint female voice calling my name from the other side of the door. The voice was barely audible, so I tried shutting off all of my other four senses in an attempt to affirm what I had heard. I couldn't. "That's weird", I murmured, convincing myself that it was just my imagination. I climbed off my bed and headed towards the door, just to check so that I could rest my conscience. No one was there when I opened the door.

I was lying on my bed, staring blankly at the ceiling, while trying to orchestrate my plans for the day. I could come up with none. The blue sky was declaring its presence slowly, and I could feel the gush of fresh air blowing into my room. "Maybe a breezy morning walk would be good for me", I said monologously. So after a quick bath I straight away put on a plain white t-shirt and a pair of bermuda shorts. I grabbed some small change I had left on my coffee table last night, for breakfast later I thought.

I decided to go through the park that day, since it would be a shorter route to the town. The grass was still covered with dew, and the asphalt was still damped from the downpour last night. It was still early, and I could only see three people around at the time. One guy who jogged pass by me, and two old ladies who were peacefully performing their tai chi routines less than a hundred yards away. I was walking pass a huge old oak tree midway through the park when I first realized that the sky had turned slightly greyish. Dark clouds were gathering, slowly but for certain, and I could sense a storm coming. "Someone's having a moodswing", I joked. So I made quick my pace heading towards the town's coffee shop, figuring I could just retire there with my breakfast if it should rain again.

As I was walking towards the park's exit I noticed one of my shoe laces came untied. I was attending to it, half kneeling, when someone tapped my shoulder. I looked up and saw a stranger with a familiar face. She had light brown eyes, flowing auburn hair, and the kind of mellow smile that just comforts you. "Jesse, is that you?", I found myself asking her. She gave me another smile. I haven't seen her in ages, since we were kids. I remember we used to play hide and seek in this very woods every summer holiday, when she would come visit and stay at her uncle's place, a stone's throw away from where I used to live with my parents. One summer she just stopped coming around, and I never saw her again after that. So enthusiastically I asked her what she was doing there, and she said something that sounded like "came back to sort out some things". I didn't pay much attention, I was just stunned. The odds of running into her there of all places, and then of all time.

The sky was still grey, but it didn't threaten to rain somehow. So I invited Jesse to sit on the bench next to us. Maybe do some ten years worth of catching up in a few minutes. Breakfast can wait, I thought. We talked, actually I was doing most of the talking since Jesse didn't have much to say. She reluctantly answered my every question with a word or two the most, constantly avoiding to elaborate further. She was more interested to know my end of the story, like how I've been doing, whether I still live at the same place, and stuffs like that. I found it strange that she appeared hesitant whenever I tried to turn the topic around. And somehow I was puzzled with the way she looked. Even with the beautiful smile crafted on her face she couldn't hide the sorrow that was radiating from within. "Maybe she's just worried about some problems at the moment", my mind was telling me.

It was about 9.30 a.m. when the first drop of rain finally came down. Our conversation was interrupted, but Jesse said she had to go anyhow. I invited her for coffee, but she declined the offer politely, asserting the fact that she really had to go somewhere. Before I left, I asked her, "Can I see you again tomorrow?". She just gave me a smile and said her goodbye. We then went off our separate ways. I sprinted my way to the town's coffee shop for shelter. And I arrived thanking God that I was not soaked yet. A set of toasts and two cups of coffee indulged in while waiting for the rain to stop. I went back home right after.

The next morning I woke up excited with the idea that I might see Jesse again that day. I didn't have the uncle's house phone number, so I thought I'd just show up on his doorsteps and ask for Jesse. After a bath and some light grooming, I headed to her uncle's house near where I used to live. This time I brought my umbrella with me, just in case. I strolled down the road with a smile planted on my face, and a happy tune of whistling to go with. As I arrived at the vintage off-white porch of her uncle's house, I found my heart suddenly pounding in a vigorous manner. I knocked on the door three times before a man that looked like her uncle, if I remember correctly, answered with a smile. I politely asked for Jesse. Suddenly his expression changed, somewhat full of grief then.

I sat on the pavement, overwhelmed with all sorts of feelings. Shocked, sad, scared, and puzzled all at the same time. What that man said kept ringing in my ears. "I'm sorry son, she died. Nine years ago. Yesterday. They found her body in the park. She wanted to go see her friend. So she went one morning, but never came back.", the man told me while trying to hide his sorrow, but still visible through his eyes. I threw up next to the tree nearby, the feelings were too overwhelming to digest. Then I headed back home, suddenly finding tears running down my cheeks.

*story based on the essay written for my SPM paper*

Teman

Hari ini kau bergelar teman,

Suka-duka dan gelak-ketawa kita bersama,

Tapi esok lusa bila diriku dalam kesusahan,

Adakah kau akan berada di sisiku untuk mengongsinya?

You know, it's really sad when you start to decipher the true natures of your friends. The ones who'd be the firsts to be there when times are good, and the lasts when times are bad. The ones who'd take advantage of you as they see fit. The ones who only think about themselves instead of being considerate towards what you have to endure. And the ones who are simply ungrateful of all the things you've done for them.

Maybe the issue has always been sincerity. It has got to be either that, or their definition of friendship is thoroughly different from mine. Sometimes I get upset when they abuse the friendship, but most of the time I'm just sad over the way things have turned out to be. But it's fine. They will always be what they are, and I will always be what I am. The friend who'll always wear a smile on his face, even when his threshold is scraped... Because on this end, it grew out of sincerity.

Be Thy Own Master

Sometimes I keep asking myself, why do we let other people define our happiness? Shouldn't we be the judge of that? And why do we always want more, when we don't even appreciate what we already have in the first place? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of all that. I'm just trying to understand the psychological side of it, since all of my 23 years of life I've been having to succumb to this dogma created by the world around me.

Life has always been about, first and foremost, surviving. But somewhere along the way we start developing greed. Greed for power, greed for money, greed for status... You name it! Our culture tells us that all of those define happiness. And we, being the idiots that we are, believe that each and every step we take to satisfy our greed will take us a step closer to a content and meaningful life. Trust me when I say, greed is a hunger that can never be satisfied...

Maybe it's a wise idea to take a step back once in a while. God gave us the gift of hindsight for one good reason among many. To look back and to learn. Let us decorrupt our beliefs and redefine our own happiness, and our own needs to get there. Learn to appreciate the simple things in life. Say, meeting someone new... or fool around with your little siblings... or have a chat over coffee with an old friend... Those little perks which would almost likely cost nothing, are most of the time overlooked, but they are also the things that make us smile sincerely...

Sometimes the goals in life would bring us through deceiving paths. One day you're happy with what you've achieved, and the next day it never seems to be enough. To have goals is synonymous to having a purpose, like my previous post. It is what drives us. For all I know, it's a great thing to have goals. Just be mindful not to let others deprave you in such a way that it deters what your heart originally set out to achieve. Be your own master...

Was it just me...

Was it just me, or was it you too,

The sky neither seems grey nor does it blue,

Now I am split into two,

To be, or not to be, into you.

Was it just me, or was it also you,

Maybe it was just me who'd seen the clues,

The smile, the glances, and the gestures too,

So was it still just me, or was it also you.

Was it just me, it probably was,

How could my offers ever measure up to hers,

The sight of her I'd probably miss,

Maybe it was just a moment, a moment of bliss.

The Commoner's Love Story: Chapter 1

Grandma dropped me off in front of the barbershop. It was 7.40 p.m. in the evening, so I was definitely early for class. I made a bee line straight to Cikgu Noor's office as I had usually done if I was ever early. Figured a chat or two wouldn't hurt, since she was more like a cool auntie anyways. Mid-way through our conversation a group of girls stormed in, a bunch of juniors scheduled for the class next to us. So they waited in front of the class, seperated only by thin air from Cikgu Noor's office. They were giggling and stealing glances, while I was trying to look all cool. Mayon came in like a minute after, to my relief, since I was blushing uncontrollably, and we were all off to class. It was during English that he mentioned about this girl, a junior from school who happenned to be in the next class, who also happened to be one of them who were giggling away earlier. He said, "that girl's not bad...". I kind of figured out which one he was talking about, but I played Clint Eastwood.

Secretly I started to take notice of this girl. She was kind of pretty, looked somewhat more mature than her 2 years younger age. Every opportunity I got to come early for tuition was an opportunity taken so that I could "unintentionally" bump into her. For awhile it went on like that, until I figured I might as well just say hye to her, through my cousin that was! My cousin, Izzuan, was in the same class as her. He did a fantastic job, even got her phone number for me. So the next thing I know we started texting each other, calling now and then. It felt kind of nice, since I was new to all that. The idea of having someone into you was rather intriguing at the time. Text came after text, and call came after call. But I never really had the nerves to go out with her. It was always "concentrating on my PMR" that saved me from a real date. Didn't get to see her much at school either, since she was in the evening session. I thought a few of "I love you's" from her meant that I've sealed what we had. Boy was I ever more wrong....

I guess I must've really bored her. What kind of guy likes you but doesn't really want to go on a date with you right? Then came that day, a day that could've just easily been any other day, that she suddenly stopped answering my text. I must've thought something really bad had happened, since it got me worried. Full of anxiety, I tried calling her and texting her again and again, only to end up in disappointment. A few days later she texted me, saying that she was going out with another guy. And so my world came crumbling down, I was silenced for the whole week. From then on I tried to convince myself to stop thinking about her, and to only concentrate on my not so distant PMR. I studied hard, just to get her image out of my head. Only a great distraction could've done that. So I guess in a way she had helped me, paved me a path that I couldn't foresee. I did well for my PMR... And that was the best thing I could see came out of the mess.

Puisi Buat Mu

Mungkin satu hari nanti,

Kan ku jumpa kau yang ku cari,

Intan dalam sejuta,

Tetap ku cari sampai jumpa,

Hingga tibanya hari itu,

Kan ku tabahkan hati menunggumu.

Maybe someday,

I will find the one that I've been looking for,

A diamond in a million,

Still I would find a way,

But till that day comes,

I'll wait for you, come what may.

Puisi dedicated to that one girl who'd be able to make my mum proud for bringing a cumbersome son into this world... Haha! =P

Clouds of Questions

There are times when certain questions would cloud my mind. Questions that may have the simplest form of answers attached to them, yet these answers bring about the utmost level of ambiguity. In my journey across this bridge we call life, I hope someday I'll be able to understand better the many "why's" that I've always wondered about.

I believe everything has been planned by God. The sole reason of us being here is to learn why we are here. Why we are who we are, and what role do we play in the chronicle of events that He's lined up for us. "Islam" translates to "surrender". Dad once said that with better understanding of what is taught by the religion, and the purpose of life itself, your surrender to Him would be more complete. I second that...

Weekend Calamity

Such a perfect time to write a new entry, since I have loads to let out! Let me just start by saying, WHAT A WEEKEND! I guess God must be testing my patience for some good reason...

Friday, after college I went back to Ampang to service the car. First problem, gearbox was leaking. It'll burn a hole in my pocket to replace the flywheel oil seal, and at times like this, I don't know when I can afford that. So ok, just let it be for now, I said to myself.

Saturday, everything was fine in the beginning. Then calm turned into panic when my college mate told me that the test machine in UPM that we were supposed to use has been booked indefinitely. Great! Another problem... Now I have to look for some other alternative in such a short span of time.

Sunday, fine. I did most of my work. Went out to grab some dinner at Jusco AU2 Setiawangsa. Car died out on me on the way back. Thought it would just take some minor twitching to get it running again. Turned out it was not to be. Had to find a nearby workshop at 8.30 p.m. Just imagine! Found one, the guy was nice enough to follow me back to where the car was parked. Tried this and that, up until 10 p.m., but unfortunately to no avail. Some sensor which would cost something like RM 350 has to be replaced, and the earliest to get the problem rectified would be tomorrow morning. Ok fine, so I dragged the car to a friend's place a couple of streets away and parked it there. Went home, realized I left something in the car. Drove back there with my mum's car to grab those stuffs and found dents and scratches on the front fender already!

Tomorrow I have a quiz at 9 a.m. and experiments to run at 10 a.m. Then I have to rush back to Ampang right after to sort out the car... One word describes the weekend perfectly. Calamity!

Embrace Yourself

Look at yourself in the mirror, and tell me honestly what do you see... Are you able to see the person that you really are? The true you with no mask to veil yourself, to avoid others from finding out what you're really made of? I fail to understand why certain people refuse to grow up. Why they need to put on that mask to be accepted... Is this so called "front" you're putting on going to make you look better in the eyes of others?

Just please, learn to accept who you are... People would love you better for being you, not some phony figure. We're not kids anymore. Showing off won't make you any cooler. So quit trying so hard to be what you're not. The minute you understand and accept the honour of being "you", you'll be so much at peace. Trust me, I honestly think everybody's perfect just the way they are.

It's really ok to be an average joe. At least I'm embracing the fact that I'm one. We're not all born to be Mister or Miss Perfect. But if you really desire to get there, do it the right way. Thrive for it. The substance that you're made of is the thing that matters. Empty cans make the most noise... But they're not really what people want are they?

Uniten Grad Nite 09

Grad Nite turned out to be a successful event. It was the antidote for my stressful day. Running experiments in the morning, then hitting the books for the test in the evening... What a life! It was fun to see everybody dress to kill. Some faces I couldn't even recognize at the first glance. Aaah, the wonders of makeup... =P And surprisingly the food was quite alright. Either that or I was really starving. Performances were amazing. Estranged and Estrella gave their best, even for such a petty event compared to what they're used to... Everyone seemed to enjoy that part of the night.

Well, it would only be complete if I include some of the evening's pictures ya? So here they are...

and...

yes, that's Juliana Evans!

Congratulations to the Raja & Permaisuri Sehari...

Wow! I just realized that it's been 6 years since I was last able to call myself a high school student, not counting the couple of years I spent in VI of course... I just got back from an ex-schoolmates' wedding in Titiwangsa, and it felt like a big reunion! Somehow it seemed like everybody's still the same, like the day I last saw them in Melawati. A vivid flashback ran accross my mind, of how we all used to lepak together in school, gelak-ketawa dan suka-duka bersama... Sure, I unintentionally forgot some people's names, but those faces managed to reorganize the puzzle of memories that I've always had with me....

To the Bride & Groom, my kelas sebelah schoolmates Anis & Syazana.... I wish you the best for your marriage. It was nice to see it end this blissful way, having seen you grow together for so long since high school. I think you both deserve each other, and all the happiness in the world. Congratulations once again!

p/s: To the girl who was in gold, you looked lovely this evening... =)

The Holidays

Holidays are defined as days of rest from work. For many of us the whole of this week would spell an opportunity for a long awaited vacation while the Chinese celebrate their New Year, for some it would mean the time when we get to do absolutely nothing... And for the rest of us, it would still mean a hefty load of work to attend to. I would be one of the fortunate ones stuck in the third category...

Frankly speaking, waking up as early as 6 a.m. on weekends to start work wasn't really how I planned to start the holidays. But they say there's only so much you can plan. Clash of time meant that I had to give in to the requests of other students to use the facilities in UPM at the time of their preferences. Thus, the only possible way for me to complete the job was to start work as early as 6.30 a.m. and rush to UPM right after for the secondary processes. I know, how rajin right?

I've yet to cross out Study for Automation & Robotics Test and Find Information on Micro Hydro from my to-do list. To tell you the truth, the thought of procrastinating had occurred but once along the way. But that was before I realized it's already Friday today! Haha... Lepas tu boleh pulak terlupa ada assignment for Automation & Robotics. Fantastic ain't it!

Ok, enough with the whining... At least I've already completed most of the work. And I still had my fair share of leisure. Boleh la tu, dapat beli baju sehelai for next week's Graduation Night.... I'm sure it will be a memorable event. Unfortunately this bloke doesn't have a date... Anyone? Haha... Well, stay tuned for the recap of the night! Chiow...