Hey, it's me. I'm writing this to you so that you know what has been on my mind. You were asking me why I was quiet just now. Maybe I'm no good with verbally saying things, but I'm going to try to say it here.
The first time I saw you, the night we all had dinner, I honestly thought that I would never be good enough for someone like you. You were close to perfect. Decent, clever, mild mannered, and all things nice. And I'm flawed with God knows what. I did not plan to continue messaging you cause' I thought it just wouldn't work. But somehow we managed to continue getting to know each other. I loved all the little conversations we had. I found you very adorable and funny. Weird too, but in a good way. You're different,something about you triggered my attention.
I saw hope in you. Hope for me to be someone better, cause' you inspire me to do good. This doesn't mean that I'm not good in essence, like you said. But like I've said before, I'm trying to be a better person, and you made the mountain seem like a molehill. I adore what you do, I adore the strentgh you have in you, and I adore you. I know most of the time you think I'm just sweet talking, but that's all for you to decide. I know I mean every single word.
I know we've only gotten to know each other quite recently. I don't know any other way to say this without sounding like any other bastard who's said this to you before, but I want you to know that you mean a lot to me. And eventhough I know for a fact that you couldn't even be bothered if I'm not around tomorrow, I sincerely care about you. I'm not going to sugarcoat things cause' I know I don't have a lot to offer. Sometimes I just wish you'd have a little faith in me. It really stings when you yourself start to believe that you're not good enough for someone that matters to you.
I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with the showing of affection just now. I was just drawn to you. And I don't know when I could see you or be that way with you again. I've been thinking, it's not right for me to put you in a position where you're forced to do something.The truth is I don't even know what I mean to you. And sometimes I don't feel you even care. It's true that everything I've done for you was sincere, so please don't ever feel obliged or sorry for me.
It's been a very long time since I've cared for anyone the way I do for you. I like being with you cause' it makes me feel complete, purposeful, meaningful if you may. For a change I'd like to matter to someone too. But it shouldn't be that way unless you really mean it. I told you I don't want your pity. If you like me, I want it to be sincere. If you want me around, I want you to sincerely tell me that you want me. All I'm asking is for you to have a little bit of faith in me, bet on me as I've bet on you. I know that means you could get hurt, but just so you know, you're worth getting hurt a thousand times to me.
I'm not sure if I should disturb you for the timebeing. Who knows you might want some distance. I know you've got plenty of guys disturbing you already, all expecting your attention. And I know you'd feel smothered. So if you ever need me you know where to find me alright? Please know that I appreciate every moment that I've spent with you, and they do mean a lot.
Selamat Hari Raya. Maaf zahir dan batin. Smile always... =)
2017: First Quarter of Grief
7 months ago