Thursday, September 24, 2009

Should I?

Should I have pretended to be perfect,
the way your eyes had preferred to see?
Should I have told you lies,
and let deceit lead you to me?

Should I have hidden my flaws and weaknesses,
and convince you that I'm an angel sent from above?
Should I have faked better attributes,
so maybe you would think I'm good enough?

Should I have showered you with expensive gifts,
so that I could win your utmost attention?
Should I have promised you a thousand promises,
to wipe away your apprehension?

Should I have offered you less of my concern,
so you wouldn't have doubted my sincerity?
Or should I have not considered all this in the first place,
because it would mean I would have not been me?

Saturday, September 12, 2009

The Unposted Letters: Letter III

Dear E,

"Sugar", that was what I used to call you. And I was your "babes". How things have changed since then. I remember the first time I saw you. That day of registration in college. I was so mesmerized that I had to tell my friend D about you straight away. But I have to be honest, I really thought you were malay. Lol! Getting myself introduced to you was a nightmare. We were all exchanging phone numbers, but when it came to you it became awkward. I, became awkward. Lol! Do you remember the first time I texted you, but then I said it was mistakenly sent? I lied...

I was fortunate enough to be given the chance to get to know you, even when I had to go off from that place. When that two weeks ended, I had to face reality and return to earth. But I thanked God that you were still there, still around. Six months I was practically on your tail, head over heels for you, and I never regretted any moment of it. Really, I never felt that way with anyone before. And because of that I acted like a goofball, I did everything against the book. But still you treated me nice, like I really mattered. We were from two different worlds, but I guess love held us together. Friendship grew into something more wonderful, and whatever we ever shared was beautiful. I treasured everything, from coming to Titiwangsa and BSC to just see you, to the valentine's day card u made, which I still have with me.

I guess it was written that one day I was going to be the jerk who left you. The jerk who broke your heart. All along I've told myself that the reason I did that, was because I was devastated, when you told me that you were going to study abroad. And because you made it clear that there was no future for us, seeing that there was this huge barrier, concerning your parents and all. But I was wrong to have hurt you like that. Those were just stupid reasons made by a fool. I wish I could turn back time, to right my every wrong. I know we were not meant to last, but I still wish I did not hurt you the way I did.

A lot of things have changed since then. I'm happy that we've become good friends, and that you've forgotten the past. I could never ask for anything more. You were always the bigger person, I know I don't deserve the friendship that you've offered me after all the terrible things that I've done. I just want you to know that if you ever need anything, I'll be around. I could only wish to be half as great of a friend that you've been to me all this while. And I want you to know, that I'm always very sorry for all my wrongs towards you, for the times I acted like an idiot, and for the times I wasn't the guy you deserved. I hope you have a great future ahead of you, and I hope God will bless that beautiful soul of yours always.


Friday, September 11, 2009

The Unposted Letters: Letter II

Dear S,

I'm aware that you're becoming a lecturer, and I find it very inspiring that you're dedicating your life to such a noble duty. I hope everything's well, with your family and Mr. N. Maybe I wasn't so enthusiastic about the idea of him at first, but I guess nobody's perfect. The important thing is that you know he loves you, and that he will treat you no lesser than you what you deserve.

I was reminded of how our story started. Back in the place called the "Illuminated Bridge". Never had it occured in my mind that I would fall for you. Well, maybe it did, sort of. I just knew that I wanted to be around you, cause' it made me feel alive, and full of purpose everytime I was around you. And then we started to hang out more often, and one thing led to another.

I'm always thankful to have shared that part of my life with you. I think we've thought each other a lot. I know I wasn't the best of companion, and I know I did a lot of mistakes. We were two very different people, but somehow we connected really well. My only regret was that I sometimes tried to change the person that you were, when in fact I was the one who was flawed. In the end I saw what I was doing, and I decided that it shouldn't be that way. So I left, selfishly, without an explanation.

Somehow we managed to reconnect some few odd years back, and once again that bond magically reestablished. Though this time we became the closest of friends. I had such a blast when it lasted, cause' it felt like I could tell you anything. And we knew each other so well. Maybe it was fated that it had to end as well, someway or the other. I know we both didn't plan that, but under the circumstances, I understand that you made the best choice.

I would write you a thousand letters of apologies for my immature behaviour, when we were more than friends, and also when we were the closest of. Yet I think it would still not suffice. But I am truly sorry, for every time I broke your heart, for every time I said something to hurt you, for every time I didn't pay attention to what you felt, and for every time I made you feel like you were not perfect. I know now that I was wrong.

Whatever you do, and wherever your life will take you, I hope you're always well taken care of. And I wish you the most blissful of life ahead.