Thursday, December 25, 2008

The Journey or The Destination?

Have you ever wished that you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth, to be showered with luxury from the very beginning of your existence in this world? Who am I kidding, everybody has that wish! Who wouldn't enjoy having a lavish life... Huge bungalows to retreat to, sports cars to swap around, excessive branded clothes to don... Life would just be pretty much sweeter wouldn't it?

If you were to ask me that question something like 7 years back, my answer would definitely have been a yes. I wouldn't have had a second thought if I were given an opportunity to opt for express luxury. But I guess I can see clearly now, that all the wealth in the world would mean nothing if it doesn't come from my own sweat and blood. Some people would curse the rich kids for having very fortunate lives, enjoying all the fun without having to lift a finger for it, but not I. My aunt has taught me never to envy the fortune of others, even if these people never actually earned it. I believe that the message she was trying to convey is that the journey is more valuable than the destination. To be able to look back one day and honestly say that I earn all that I have...

Ibu and Ayah, I hope you know that I am thankful for everything that you've blessed me with. We're no rich people, but what you've provided me with has been more than what I could ever ask for, considering all the less fortunate people I see around. The thing I hate the most is to burden you further. I don't wish to be like one of those rich kids who rely on their parents' money all their lives, to be living in false glory. I want to learn to narrate my own story after this. I hope I'll be able to get out of your hair soon, cause' I know that way you could both enjoy life better without having to worry about me.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Uniten Cup 08/09

Team : PSV Eindhoven
Position : Reserve Striker (hahaha!)
No. : 23 (Gila nak glamour!)

PSV Eindhoven vs. Santos

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Friends Have Changed... Deal With It!

Friends, according to the Collin's dictionary I've just referred to, are people well known to us and regarded with affection and loyalty. The question is, would they still be called friends if they deviate from the definition that I've just stated?

Friends change over time, that is just inevitable. Back then when we were close, it seemed as if that bond was going to last a long time. But now things have changed. The laughs and cries we shared together seem like a distant memory. The hand that you would gladly reach for help in the past has now deemed to be useless in your pursuit towards the upper end of the ladder. And a simple gesture to acknowledge my "hello's" would now bring the same meaning as "a waste of time" in your dictionary.

But it's ok. Maybe I have changed as well. Nonetheless, I will try my best not to offend the few friends I have left. To friends of the past, I will hold on to the memories that we have together, so that when the day comes when you would need this hand again, those memories will give me a reason to gladly offer it to you... Take care.

FYP 2: Dreadful Tasks

It has already been 2 and a half weeks since I started this semester, but my FYP Logbook has yet to include new updates. Gosh! It couldn't have been a more sluggish of a start. As mentioned I've managed to acquire some help from our neighbouring university, UPM. A thousand thank you's to Dr. H'ng Paik San of the Forestry Faculty who has kindly agreed to help with the fabrication of my specimens. The next problem would be to find the carbon fiber cloth. RaceCraft has given me a bit of hope when I called them earlier, saying that they will get back to me with the details.

Hopefully everything goes well so I could start the fabrication by the beginning of next week. I can afford no delays anymore, if I am at all to submit Progress Report 3 by the 16th of next month. Let us all pray...

Saturday, December 13, 2008

My New Toy : Casio Exilim EX-Z80

I figured I might need a camera for general use, also for work use in the near future. So what the heck, since PC Fair is here, I might as well invest in something useful when it's cheap. After reading plenty of reviews, I've decided to burn my cash on this baby! The slim Casio Exilim EX-Z80 which packs in impressive features...


  • 8.1 Megapixel Resolution
  • 2.6 Inch LCD
  • 3x Optical Zoom
  • Easy Mode
  • Best Shot
  • Auto Shutter
  • Face Detection
  • Movie Button
  • Drag and Drop Videos into iTunes

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Summary of The Past One Week or so...

Ten days of absence due to one single reason, my life has been nothing but dull for the past one week or so... Nothing much had happened in school, except for the trouble of trying to get resources for my FYP, which is already behind schedule. Thank God I've managed to secure a connection with the Forestry Faculty of UPM, for the future use of equipments and further assistance. Nothing much had happened outside school either. No exciting outings, no new girls to hang out with (haha!), and definitely no short vacations, which I have been longing for for the past couple of years!

I guess everybody needs to get serious at this stage of life. Sacrificing for the better good. How it gets on my nerves when some people can just afford to fool around.... Takpalah, hari ni hari diorang, mana tau esok-lusa hari kita pula... =)

Sunday, November 30, 2008

The Last Battle

Tomorrow would be the first day of my last semester in Uniten, the beginning of the end. I guess time really flies. I can still remember the beginning of my years here in uni, when everyone was all so excited about the intriguing varsity life ahead. Friendship grew among strangers, just like that. Everything was new, and we were all enjoying every new bit of experience we had come across. I can even remember the first day of school, when KN and I got lost trying to find a particular building. And so he randomly went up to this girl (we know now that her name is Mushira), to ask for directions. Haha, I guess back then everyone was a new friend...

The "TAKDIR" Gang

Well, I better get myself prepped up for the semester ahead. Another round of the roller-coaster ride of stress and fun, sad and joy... Wish me luck people, it's going to be my last battle. Mum and Dad, I'll try to do my very best... InsyaAllah

Note: Apparently I didn't screw up my turbomachinery that badly after all! Alhamdulillah...

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Run Baby Run

Often when I'm stuck in a situation where I know that I'm bound to hurt someone, I run away. I wonder if it's becoming a trend for me. Maybe I'm starting to doubt myself, the extent to which I'm capable of making someone happy. Or maybe I'm just scared of being disappointed, some would say I'm so simple that I'm difficult.

Over the past few years I can say that being in a relationship has never worked well for me. Actually I don't mind the idea of being single. In fact most of the time I'm happier this way, not having to worry about attending to the emotions of a partner. I admit, sometimes it's nice to have a companion to share affections. But when things get tangled up between her wants and my responsibilities, that's when the whole idea seems like a nuisance.

Maybe I'm no good with relationships now. But secretly I'm hoping that the right girl would come along the way to prove me wrong, to show me what it really means. I'm so worried about becoming the saviour for everyone else, maybe I'm the one who actually needs one...

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Melayu Kini

"Takkan Melayu hilang di dunia"... satu ungkapan yang popular dan biasa kita dengari, asalnya daripada kata-kata pahlawan Melayu termasyhur kita, Laksamana Hang Tuah. Satu ungkapan yang melambangkan kemasyhuran dan kegemilangan bangsa Melayu sebagai penghuni usul tanah air ini. Melayu, satu bangsa yang tidak akan kalah atau mundur.

Tapi apa pula kata Tun Dr. Mahathir? "Melayu mudah lupa"... satu sindiran yang sepatutnya telah membuka mata anak bangsa kita untuk mula berusaha dengan lebih gigih demi mencapai kemajuan. Namun, segolongan besar daripada kita masih lagi mengendahkan kata-kata tersebut. Sedih apabila ku lihat anak-anak muda kita suka membuang masa. Juga mereka yang enggan berusaha untuk memperbaiki diri, dan mereka yang tidak menghargai kesenangan yang ada. Kemungkinan besar mereka tidak sedar yang ia adalah satu tanggungjawab atau satu amanah untuk kita terus berusaha ke arah kemajuan, dan bukannya satu keistimewaan. Melayu kini sudah lupa, dan kita mula tenggelam dalam angan-angan kita sendiri. Tidak ada gunanya walau segala keistimewaan diberikan kepada bangsa kita, kalau kita sendiri enggan menukar mentaliti kita.

Who Was Right & Who Was Wrong?

When I was a kid, I used to love reading the tales of our (Malay) legendary warriors, one particularly being the folk story of Hang Tuah and Hang Jebat. I was watching this story of Hang Tuah last night, with the legendary hero played by P. Ramlee, and suddenly the memories of my childhood came rushing back.

When I first read about the legend, like every other kid who did, I idolized Tuah for being the ultimate champion of Malay loyalty, chivalry and obedience to tradition. Tuah represented that absolute loyalty - and the streak of loyalty to the ruler that ran deep in the Malay psyche. If there were three things important to the Malay of old, they were loyalty to the ruler, loyalty to the religion and 'adat', and the accompanying sets of values that come with them. However later on I began to understand Jebat a bit better, his sacrifice to fight injustice and cruelty. To others, Jebat may represent that consequence of breaching a fragile covenant, to me he was simply misunderstood.

Tuah might be the hero of many, for having portrayed the absolute loyalty to his ruler. But in reality, like the flaws reflected by the actions of Jebat, his actions were also actually far from idealistic.

Tuah took loyalty to the point of blind servility, a trade I have never agreed with. According to the Hikayat Hang Tuah, even before the incident where the Sultan had ordered his execution, there was an occasion where Tuah was actually exiled by the Sultan to Inderapura. There Tuah took it upon himself to kidnap Tun Teja Menggala, the Bendahara's daughter, knowing that the Sultan lusted after her. Through bribes and deceptions, he succeeded in bringing Tun Teja to Melaka and presented her to his ruler. The Sultan was so pleased, he pardoned Tuah and promoted him to the rank of Laksmana. His loyalty to his Sultan evidently superseded any ethical considerations. Nonetheless, he was my hero for his absolute obedience, and for always trying to do the the right thing, even if it meant going against his own will.

To me, Jebat is the symbol of true friendship, courage and justice. He stood against a ruler who practiced injustice and cruelty, to avenge the death of his dearest friend. The flaw to his noble intention was reflected when he went in a rampage at the royal palace, in anguish to the injustice done to his friend. He later found out that Tuah was still alive, but the joy at seeing his dearest friend brought to life turned to despair when his friend lunged at him with a keris, declaring his loyalty to the Sultan and hatred for traitors. In the ensuing clash, Jebat was wounded by Tuah. He later went amok for three days, killing thousands of innocent people until he finally died in Tuah's arms. Of course it would be absurd for me to think that it was right for him to slaughter innocent people, but perhaps he was raging over the fact that the sole reason for his treachery, had turned against him.

So who was right, and who was wrong?

Monday, November 17, 2008

My All New Subaru Blue Room

Oh boy! Feels like my spine is about to fracture into a million pieces! My limbs are literally dangling right now. I just finished painting every nook and cranny of my room... all on my own! Who would've thought that such a tiny room would require that much work...

Started cleaning my "after-tornado" room at noon yesterday, took half a day just to clear up all the mess. The bed, the book shelves, and the work desk had all been moved about to give more space for the "special operation" =P. Painting begun at 11.00p.m. and I retired at around 2.00 a.m. That was just for 1 and a half walls! Woke up at 10.00 this morning and went straight to work after a bath and a breakfast. Guess what time I finished everything... 8.00p.m.! Gave up on the cleaning as I can hardly move... So I guess that will have to wait till tomorrow morning! =D

Here's my all new "Subaru Blue" room...

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Jackass Club

If you happen to be a male, welcome to The Jackass Club! Each and every one of us is a jackass by default. Trust me, no matter how hard you try to be the sweetest thing to your better half, or try to do things the most righteous of ways, at the end of the day if things don't turn out the way she had hoped, you'll always end up as the jackass!

I admit I've done plenty of wrongs in the past, I was a foolish kid who lacked maturity. But I believe I've grown much wiser ever since, and I've tried to always look before I leap. I can't afford to face the consequences of big mistakes anymore, not at the expense of my responsibilities. But somehow most of my recent encounters with the opposite sex ended up with me being the jackass! WHY??? I haven't the slightest of idea...

Due to the repercussions that I'm not willing to face, I have decided to exclude the examples of the situations. But keep in mind that everything I did for you (the people who in any way have been involved with me), I did it out of sincerity. And I never meant to hurt or displease anybody. In fact all I've done was try to do the right thing and make you happy. But I guess when God says I have to be wrong, then I have to be wrong...

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Screwed Sideways by Turbomachinery

My turbomachinery paper yesterday screwed me up pretty badly. It wasn't as smooth as I previously thought it would be. Actually the paper wasn't all that tough, but because we all had only so much exposure on answering such questions, it turned out to be a disaster. If that weren't bad enough, I managed to add on some silly mistakes here and there! Damn it!

The part that kills me is that some of my mates had gotten a bit luckier than I had, despite the fact that they rarely studied. And to top that off, I was the one who helped them with the subject before! Icing on the cake, just perfect...


It's ok, I'm going to look at this as half glass full. I've always believed that one measure of a man is how he bounces back from failures. I'll keep on burning the midnight oil if I have to. I guess some of us who weren't born with genius brains have to work harder as a substitute.

p/s: Ayah, please don't be mad if I don't score ya? =P

Friday, October 31, 2008

The Strive For Glory

I beg to differ from the rest. The maturity has began to kick in, and I feel it's an obligation to strive for the best. I have the chance of proving to others that I too, can achieve greatness. To be more than merely a competent person. Failures in the past have only taught me to be stronger, for the many obstacles that I will face in the future. I will stand firm and fight against all odds to realize my dreams.

I'm laying all my cards on the table now. The truth is I have been rescued by luck too many a time. But I refuse to take things for granted anymore, I want to earn this... InsyaAllah

Saturday, October 25, 2008

GOTCHA! From The Future...

Albert Einstein's theory of relativity states that there is no difference between the past and the future in the 4-dimensional space-time-world. The present is only an illusion. But if time is a one-way street as we assume it to be, and if you could just theoretically travel through it, which one time would you want to visit? Back into a certain past, or forward into an uncertain future?

I have always wondered how life was back then, when my dad was around my age. I think it'd be really awkward seeing him that young... Like Back To The Future! LOL! Sometimes the tales we hear aren't as accurate as the reality itself. We all know stories change through time, some might just be for the better. If my dad says he never skipped class when he was in school, I know he's lying! =P I think it'd be interesting to just see how he was back then... Was he as virtuous as he says he was? Was he all that righteous that he didn't commit any of the mistakes that we do when we're young? You know your parents never tell the complete truth about the wrongs they'd done in the past...

Every guy was once young and foolish, and I bet my dad was just like most of us when he was young. Tried to act all tough and look all cool to the ladies... Fooled around with nonsense, just to fit in with the crowd... Struck by a dreadful spell of laziness during exam seasons... Kene marah dengan bapak/mak sebab asyik keluar enjoy sampai result exam teruk! Come on dad! The apple can't fall too far from the tree! =P If I could only meet him then, I'd say "You don't know me yet, but GOTCHA!"

So, which one time would you choose? =D

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The Angel I Knew

She was always there, for as long as I can remember. The person who taught me the meaning of unconditional love and compassion. She would've done anything just to carve a smile on my face. I don't remember even once, of her ever denying any of my wishes. She would pamper me with anything that I ever wanted, and take me to any place that i ever desired.

She was my shelter, a place where I would always feel safe. Coming from a broken home at an age so young wasn't the fairy tale every kid dreamed of. I may not have understood much, but emotionally I was affected. But she was there, to comfort me, to distract me from my sorrows. She stood against others who would blame her for spoiling me, because deep inside she had always known that I needed her.

She was always the first person that I would look for, to share my joy whenever I did well in studies, and to share my excitement whenever I fell in love with something new. She was always the first person to be there, whenever I needed a shoulder to cry on, and whenever I needed someone to listen to my complains... She was always the first...

To my dearest grandma, I have always loved you, and I will always do. From the first time I laid my eyes upon you, until the time I won't be able to open them again. You brought me happiness, gave me the reason to be good. Eventhough you are not here anymore, the memories of you will always be with me.

Nenek, I've missed you...


Monday, October 20, 2008

Trinity RB

Last semester I took a course called Mechanical Design Processes. This course taught us the basic procedures taken to design a successful product. Careful planning had to be done, as well as proper documentations throughout the entire process.

First and foremost we had to study the market needs. Then we had to evaluate them in order to be able to generate concepts. After concept generation, a process called benchmarking would then take place, where we compare the pro's and con's of the design against existing models. The best concept would be chosen. With a few modifications to further meet the demands, and voila! It's done! The rest is just the boring process of producing paperwork. Costs, Bill of Materials, technical drawings, etc.

In my semester the lecturers decided for us to design a human powered vehicle, as a healthier solution to the problem of fuel price hike. It was supposed to be sleek, fast, and equipped with compartments.

This was what I came up with. I call it the Trinity RotorBlade...

Trinity RB

I even made the lecturer laugh his ass off during the presentation by attempting a humour and coming up with this other version:

Trinity RB Carbon Fiber Edition

Sunday, October 19, 2008

The Journey In Between

Take a look at the kid above. Who would've thought he'd be all grown up now. Time passed by, year by year, altering the definition of who he is. The science is simple, everyone was once born, then they live, and in the end they die. What makes it interesting is the journey in between.

According to his uncles and aunties, he was a perky kid when he was small. And he used to be very inquisitive about every little bit of things. I guess he must've driven people up the wall with his questions... And God knows how much he loved to draw, mostly pictures of his favourite superheroes. I remember he once cried because his father said his Batman was fat! Haha... Came primary school he became a very shy person. Until he got used to the people around him, he wasn't very talkative. Girls terrified him the most. Gosh! You wouldn't even want to know what happened when he had his first crush in primary! =P

High school was a different story. As usual, similar to everyone else, he had to get used to the new environment. He was just one of those faceless kids. Tried to follow the crowd, did what everyone else was doing. All in all, he had a normal teenage life - crazed about yoyo's at one certain point of time and basketball at another, had his first girlfriend when he was 15, made some really long lasting friends, and so on... Interesting enough, he did fairly good in his studies. So he was contented with most things. To live in his own world, fenced by his oblivion to the real one.

Once he graduated high school, he worked for a couple of months in Gloria Jeans KLCC. That was when he started to understand the meaning of hardship. He learned to do most things on his own, worked late nights and all... That was until he had to go back to school!

Entering Form 6 in Victoria Institution wasn't what he desired in the first place. But he's thankful to his father for choosing the right path for him. Cause' he learned a lot about survival, making the right choice of companies around him. Eventhough he got himself into minor troubles here and there, the mistakes he had committed moulded him into the person he is today. All those while he thought luck was always going to be on his side. But in the end, it wasn't to be. He didn't do as well as in high school, that finally stripped the arrogance off of him and made him realize he was a mere mortal.

College life was at first very intriguing, a fresh new start. The feeling of being independent while staying outside, the freedom from being monitored, he felt more like a grownup. He had his fair share of fun, sometimes even too much that he almost flung a paper. Made some great friends along the way, some stuck till today... I guess it taught him to enjoy all the things that he did, every bit of it. Cause' good things are not meant to last, but the memories of them are. In year three, he began to realize that his age is catching up with him. So he's been trying to act more responsibly ever since. Got his act together and has been performing well again, syukur...

Here he is today, a 23 year old Bachelor in Mechanical Engineering (Hons.) final year student of Universiti Tenaga Nasional. Yours truly...

Friday, October 17, 2008

FYP 1 Presentation (Done)

Phew! Such a relief that it's the end of the week again... My legs are aching cause' of the crawl I was stuck in earlier. Maklumlah, kereta transmisi manual... =P The jam was horrible throughout the entire stretch of Jln Tun Razak. I think if it were to continue raining every evening like it did, I'll be developing a herculean left leg by next week! =P

Final Year Project Presentation went ok I guess, with a few hiccups here and there. The other panels were cool, but my supervisor was suddenly possessed when it came to her students' turn to present. And so the blows came unexpectedly. Q&A session became a nightmare for us. It was worse for some of my peers who had to listen to her music... Don't get me wrong. I understand that she just had to be a bit firm then, so that we don't take presentations lightly.

At least one battle is over with. It's now time to plan ahead on how I'm going to approach the upcoming finals. Fatigue is slowly catching up with me, but I think now is even more the time to prove myself again. So wish me luck!

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Typical Malaysians

I'm guessing that some Malaysians were just naturally born with defects in their genes. Cause I can't seem to figure out why they are always oblivious to all the good values or ethics taught throughout their entire lives... Some would just act idiotically, when in fact they never even came close to their initial intention of looking 'cool'! It annoys me even more when those idiots try to act smart!

Here are some of the conclusions I've drawn about those bunch of retards (most of them involve car drivers!):

1) Some Malaysians actually think that the signal lights that come equipped with their cars are 'accessories'! Why bother wasting your time signalling when you can just zip in and out between lanes right? Let's just worry about it later if you hit a motorcyclist and he flies across your windshield right? Please people, signal lights were invented to serve a certain purpose. Make use of them!

2) Most of Malaysian road users are fantastic spectators when it comes to accidents! Everybody slows down to just watch the wrecked cars that have been pushed aside. A moment of remorse for everybody as they catch a glimpse of what might be. It's not like they're even lifting a single finger to help, yet they're causing a crawl that stretches 10 miles away. Imagine if an ambulance is caught in the bumper-to-bumper, carrying with it a dying man... Worse still, not even 10 metres away from the accident and they transform back to their speed demon alter-egos.

3) When it's raining hard like nobody's business, some innovative drivers try to put their driving know-hows into action by blinking the hazard lights. Yea sure, everone can see you from a mile away. Don't you know hazard lights are meant to notify others that your car is static? Don't you think it would confuse others if you put them on when you're still on the move, causing them to apply sudden unnecessary brake that might just cause an accident? Be considerate people...

4) Certain group of people show absolutely no courtesy when others lend them a hand. For example, I held the door for this 'gentleman', just to be a good samaritan. I'd be contented with just a smile or a nod, but no... He had to pull a long face, and walk away without even acknowledging the guy who was nice enough to hold the door for him! As if he's a real big shot and I'm somebody unworthy of even the slightest of his gratitude... Correct me if I'm wrong, but I damn well guarantee that every parent teaches his/her children to show some appreciation when helped.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Big Boys' Toys

Studies have shown that men show pride via the vehicles that they own, or at least what they appear to own (bapak belikan =P). Some would say a man's car is a projection of his true personality. Can a filthy rich bugger who drives a Porche Cayman S be concluded as egoistic and a showoff? Can a guy who drives a more subtle MPV like a Toyota Estima be labeled as a responsible family man? As far as I am concerned, an absolute conclusion can never be drawn from what a man drives. Tho, I do personally think that those people who drive turbocharged Perodua Kancils without proper suspension setups, braking systems and good rubbers to hold their puny machine on the tarmac are just plain idiots! Brave, but idiots nevertheless...

The more agreed statement would be the reflection of a man's taste through his car. Have you ever come across those typical rallycar wannabe Proton Wira's with jacked up end that come equipped with huge tires? The ones that also erect GT-wings with no absolute purpose for FWD cars except for hanging wet clothes to dry? And I haven't even mentioned the gazillion aftermarket tuner stickers yet... Bear in mind that some of these cars don't even have the horsies to match their monstrous looks! Shows how tacky Malaysians can be... I bet those lads cruising on the more civilized Perodua Kelisa's can get more numbers from the chicks! I don't understand why they can't just settle with good sets of wheels and sleek bodykits to match, if they can't think of anything else to burn their money for... If power figure is the goal, shouldn't it always be complemented with safety? Like a good suspension setup and an improved braking system perhaps?

I admit that I don't yet have the money to own any of my desired machines from the previous post. But I am thankful for what my dad is lending me. Eventhough sometimes I tend to dream of ridiculously upgrading my machine, I've decided to opt out for the more responsible approach. The wiser approach. Tho hopefully someday I'll be able to own my own purpose built performance car.

"A good performance car is always built from ground up"

Here's what my dad is currently lending me:

2006 Proton Waja MME

Minor Modifications (self-made and by Proton):
1) K&N Drop-in Filter
2) R3 Exhaust System (stock Campro's low-end torque sucks!)
3) R3 Springs (still a tad too soft)
4) R3 Plug Cables
5) 17'' KII wheels (lighter than stock)
6) 205/45/17 Yokohama A-Drive R1 tires (fantastic grip on both dry and wet)
7) Pro-RS Stainless-Steel Braided Brake Hose (less spongy brake pedal)
8) AXT Turbo Brake Pads (great bites)
9) Denso Iridium spark plugs(last longer than normal copper plugs)

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Dream Cars

It has been imprinted in the DNA's of most guys to go crazy over cars, just like how girls go crazy over jewelleries. I've decided to make a list of my own most desirable machines, starting from the most affordable to the 'never going to be affordable'... =P

1999 Mitsubishi Evolution 6.5 TME

2007 Honda Civic Type-R JDM

2008 Mazda MX-5

2006 Subaru Imprezza S204

2009 Lotus Evora

2009 BMW M3

2009 ABT Audi AS4

2009 Mercedes SL65 AMG Black Series

2008 Porche 911 GT2

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Incarcerated Within The Walls I Built Myself

I'm beginning to think that subconsciously I've created walls around me. Walls that are meant to keep me away from disappointments. In a way, I believe that the past is responsible for evoking the fear I have inside. The fear of not being able to meet up with expectations, the fear of being judged for a single mistake, the fear of becoming a disappointment. I don't want to be afraid anymore, I want to believe and to hope again.

Maybe it's time for me to bring those walls down, time to get out of this comfort zone and start living. Maybe it's time for me to manifest the dreams that have been incarcerated in my head all this while...

Friday, October 10, 2008

Thank God It's Friday

It has been a week since I last wrote anything. Thank God it's Friday, the idea of having a weekend ahead is like a breath of fresh air. Time to unwind and enjoy a cup of good old black coffee with Zay-D!

I haven't really got the time to do anything the whole week, aside from completing assignments and projects, and toiling for my Electro-mechanical Systems Test 2. Next week would be a whole different story, a new set of game I would say... haha. I guess life just doesn't get any easier. But it wouldn't be that interesting if it does, now would it? =P

The weekends ahead of Raya would definitely mean a full schedule of open houses! So tomorrow's destination would be Ewat's house in Seremban. I'm pretty sure this time I'll run out of that charm to collect duit raya! But it's ok, I bet the food is going to be fantastic! =D Sunday I might be dropping by an old friend's house. I haven't got the slightest of idea where she lives. But since Ali said he might be going to check out the chicks, I thought it wouldn't hurt! Haha...

Well, before I leave, here is a picture taken last week during the first few days of Raya...

~At Alia's place~

Top: Alia, Dida, Zufer
Bottom: Ilias, Mayon, Irfan

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Dah Besar Panjang Pun Dapat Duit Raya?!

LOL! Those were the words that came out from my auntie's mouth...

My Hari Raya this year started off quite slow. I didn't get any sleep last night, so everything felt sluggish from the beginning. After a hot cup of coffee, in an attempt to keep myself awake, I took off to my grandma's grave carrying a copy of Yasin and a bottle of water. I managed to find a parking spot and went straight in. That was at 7.20 a.m. Halfway in, my father called saying he was also there. Finding my grandma's lot was a nightmare, since the numberings were all over the place. At about 8.00 a.m. we finally found it, and yes, it was that long. After a half hour spent, we went off seperately.

I decided to drop by my Atok's house to change into my Baju Melayu and headed straight to the surau. Guess what! I was late! The surau was already crammed with fellow muslims. The prayer started without me being able to join. It was saddening but I stayed there until everything was over. It felt better when I contributed what little I have to the charity of the surau.

Realizing that one of my tires was out of air, I made a visit to the Petronas nearby to get it fixed. Berpeluh-peluh la jugak orang cakap! Then it was straight back to my Atok's house. Every year we never failed to perform our tradition of beraya - the act of begging for forgiveness. And so it started out with my auntie to my Atok, followed by my dad and so on... It ends with the youngest.

The events that took place after that were somewhat similar every year. Friends of the family came and visited, kids came for duit raya, and so on... But somehow to me something felt missing, I wasn't at ease since the day started. I thought I was just not getting enough sleep, so I went back home late in the afternoon and dozed off. After waking up, I took a bath before going downstairs. My ibu was on the couch watching TV. I haven't seen her the whole day since she and my younger siblings had to go visit the other side of the family's houses. After the first glance of her, it suddenly hit me! I didn't even get the chance to beraya with her! And so I got down on my knees and begged her to forgive me for all my wrongdoings. She gave a kiss on my forehead. Only then, I was at ease...

I went back to my Atok's house, this time with ibu. My siblings joined in later with a troop of uncles and aunties. We spent most of the raya evening there as was done in the previous years. Ate laksa at my uncle's house across, then ate soto back at my Atok's - a ritual accustomed to the family.

This has been the story of my Hari Raya 2008. Surprisingly, I still had enough charm left to collect duit raya! ;-P

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Things Have Changed

I wonder why things had to change between us. We were as close as siblings, a sincere bond from the beginning. I never craved for anything more than your friendship, but recently it seemed too big of a burden. I never intended to steal your attention away from him. Maybe I just wished you were there for me as I have sincerely been there for you.

Do you remember you once said "I don't like the person that you are when you're with her"? Now I know exactly what you meant. I realize that this might be the price we have to pay for being good friends with the opposite sex. Understand that I mean you no offence. I wish you the best if things will never be the same again.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Hari Raya Aidil Fitri

Today would be the last day of Ramadhan, the last day of puasa for us muslims. Tomorrow would mark the first day of Syawal, the day we celebrate Hari Raya Aidil Fitri after a full month of fasting.

The joy of celebrating this festive day I have felt for many years. But as I grow older, the meaning of the day gradually changes. When I was a kid, the thought of getting duit raya and wearing new baju melayu painted the whole idea of Hari Raya. Not to mention the eve when all of the cousins would gather at my grandma's house to play bunga api!

Now, I have aged in such a way that this day would bring a whole different meaning. I just feel blessed to be able to celebrate the day with my family and friends. I'm thankful for the comfort of living that God has blessed us with. The serenity I feel every raya morning, the visit to my grandma's grave, the Aidil Fitri prayers, the beg for forgiveness, the visit to relatives' and friends' houses - my definition of joy during Hari Raya.

To all my fellow muslims who will be reading this, I wish you Selamat Hari Raya Aidil Fitri and Maaf Zahir & Batin.

Beginning of a New Journey

Here marks my first entry into the world of blogging. I was recently moved by what a friend had to say about issues he currently faces. Hence, this humble attempt to voice out my own thoughts about certain happenings. The same thoughts that have been bottled up all this while.

To be honest, since I was young I was not taught to express myself the way most of us do. I hardly shared my problems with anyone, nor did I have anyone to lend me a shoulder. Probably the reason why sometimes I find it hard to communicate, to spill the words that reflect the thoughts in my head. All this while I have told myself that I was just built that way. Contrary to that, I am now beginning to teach myself to communicate better, to learn to understand others, and to let them understand who and what I really am.

I may appear to be loud at times, goofing around and cracking jokes here and there. But only a few people would know what really dwells within. This blog may be my modest way of reaching out to others, but at least I believe those thoughts are being heard somewhere.